Double Bees

Success and failure seem incredibly close.  i often wonder if there even is a difference between the two. Perhaps there is actually no difference between the two. It's just existence. Your success or failure is based solely on what your superiors deem. i find that terrifying and liberating.

Things will change in the new year.  Things will stay the same. While the new year will bring changes for me, i hope to stay the same. I doubt i will. I'm sure ill fall deeper into not posting and falling behind in life. 

 most days I feel inadequate.  That's what this week has been

I was told, as a young'n, that life frequently exists on the level of mundane. Rarely are there supposed to be so many generation defining chaos moments. When 9/11 happened, previous generations talked about remembering where they were when Kennedy was assassinated. Lest we forget 9/11 came on the heels of the dot com bust, I assumed there would be some sort of stability or consistency in the coming years and decades. After all, aside from Vietnam and the Civil Rights Movement, my view of the post Kennedy assassination world seemed relatively tame and consistent; especially in the economic view.   Now don't get me wrong, I'm completely ignorant to most "things." I'm uneducated to a certain point. And I'm a child of the 80s, so I grew op in a time fairly far removed from the immediate couple of decades following the assassination of Kennedy.  The reason I bring these thoughts up, is how simple the past always seems to be. Regardless of what the truth of ...

 I enjoy the rain.  Yesterday it rained.  I wanted to write a post about the joys of gloomy days.  So I never posted; I was off on other forays. Naked stands the date, void of a post. I fear years from now upon looking back, the absence will sting the most; and there will be no questions as to what I lack. maybe I'm just a poser or a funny looking hoser. But back i came, to post, how lame.  I'm trying to make this a decent game, in hopes of igniting a writing passion flame. Now i'll just sit back and wait. to see how long it takes for fish to take the bait.  As of yet, no one has read a single word, but thankfully, so far, I don't feel too much like a turd

 somedays there is nothing to write about…  I'm used to failure

 Sometimes, Monday's bring a dearth of ideas and motivation. I think this week has the makings of a slow cumbersome burn. I will spend the week fighting an uphill battle to achieve the bare minimum I am able to achieve some weeks by a Tuesday morning. Sometimes this bothers me, other times I don't even think about such things. I do wonder if there are things we can do to help push off the potential failures. People always claim meditation or preparation are key to succeeding even in the face of troubles. Does my resistance to these methods doom me to failure on a C-Suite level? Am I cursed to spend eternity plodding away at mid and low level jobs? Is the world and you and I live in just a bunch of people lying to everyone about their successes? Is everyone just filled with carp and the ones who succeed just purely lucky? how do you overcome your slow starts

 There is the never ending trope of the angry old man complaining about the ease the youngins these days have. I will be honest, there is a very good chance the old have only started complaining about the young with Abe Simpson or perhaps that old man who walked uphill to school in snow… both directions.  But i'm sure since the beginning of time, Unc complained to Ur about how Bronk has a better club for smashing, but you get the idea.  I found myself spending two more hours than needed in a waiting room. All i could think about during that time was how this never would have happened when i was young… After I was able to get the terror and shock of becoming my parents out of my brain I started to think about how far society had fallen since the good old days. It amazes me how much we as members of society put up with. I was recently at a United States Postal Service store that had 12 windows and glorious 50 foot ceilings. I still had to wait 20 minutes since only one of t...

 Thanks to Kanye West and Donald Trump, Antisemitism has come into vogue again.  I am not naive enough to believe antisemitism had disappeared, but I did feel like there was some time between 1990 and 2016 where antisemitism had moved to the fringe and the shadows.  I look forward to when it goes back into the darkness

 I wonder… if today marks the beginning of my next failure. 

 I'm not sure I understand algorithms.  They control all and yet no one knows how they work. 

 Mondays are interesting days. As a sports fan, I can always relive the trials and tribulations of the weekend sports fill.   The fall and winter bring a different type of sports world then that of the summer months. Baseball, the near daily treat, provides a daily up and down that on most occasions can mitigate the frustration of sports.  Colder weather sports have an annoying cadence of inconsistency. The NBA and NHL's one to three games per week schedule seems frequent when held up against NCAA basketball games and seem nearly daily when viewed next to Football. needless to say, fans tend to stew (winter food pun intended) for a long time before they are reintroduced to elation or disappointment.  For the past thirty years, as a chicagoan, I have had a front row seat to the never ending disappointment that is the Chicago Bears. I would like to say I have never been more embarrassed to be a bears fan, but I'm sure next week will bring a new low.  Football...

As the clock ticked pass midnight and quickly sped towards one am I wondered what the hell i was doing. It wasn't until this morning that a thought came to me… I've only ever seen an escape hatch used in the movies. And they seem to be used all the time. Derailed trains, bus hit by a tank, plane crashes in the mountains, terrorists on the subway, escaping from a bully, avoiding the paparazzi while you're hiding out in a small english town… in any event, they seem to always be used.  Every day i'm surrounded by escapes… on the bus or train, in an airplane, on your phone, the esc key on your computer, power plugs, television, the internet, phones… literally every where.  While it's true, i've never had to use an escape hatch in a submarine or even the one on a school bus, I do escape my reality more often than i should and would like. It's so easy to avoid the pains of reality by watching YouTube videos or doom scrolling through the news app (just to name a fe...

 It's a Thursday, late morning, and I'm struggling to find a push to write today.  Yesterday, while typing my blog, I had a wonderful Idea to about what I should post tomorrow (today). And in the process, I failed at both yesterdays post and doomed today to failure. At least in my own head this will be a failure. Though I suppose all of my posts, in my own opinion, are failures. So the mere act of writing the posts are wins in my way. There's an odd feeling I seem to deal with most every day. That feeling is failure. I rarely feel I am good enough in what I am doing. From work to play, art to shopping, even opinions to talking I feel completely inadequate and not good enough. I like to think everyone suffers this same feeling but I'm sure that is not the case.  I have had many managers and bosses who always seem to feel confident in their abilities and they all made sure you were aware of how not good you are. I think It's also fair to assume my feelings on this sub...